A Life not worth living
by Rainbow345uk
Summary: CHAPTER 6 POSTED!!!!Abby's Life takes a turn for the worse. Luby and Carter/Abby friendship. many supporting characters Please Read and Review, it's my first fanfic! COMPLETE!
1. There's something going on

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they are the property of Warner Brothers and many others.  
  
Author's note: I'm not a Doctor, so please don't blame me for any mistakes! Oh, and this is my first fanfic so please be gentle!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
1 A life not worth living  
  
The cool winter breeze sets a chill in the air, the freshly falling snow lightly covering the sleepy city of Chicago. Christmas is clearly dawning upon the busy people. Abby walks slowly along the platform of the El, on her way to work. Deep down, thoughts play on her mind. Finally she has made something of her life. Her haunting childhood finally in the past. Now she was happy. Now she was in Chicago, a place with only happy memories. Now she had Luka, had a job she loved and all the caring friends she could ask for. She looked over toward Doc Magoos and there in the window was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. The lights twinkled, as the delicately hung decorations sparkled. Abby smiled to herself and headed into the hospital.  
  
  
  
A few hours later, Abby was half way through her shift. She hadn't really been that busy, hadn't dealt with anything major, there was nothing major. She walked up to the Admit desk, where, opposite in chairs, she was met by the gloomy eyes of the sick and injured.  
  
"Abby" Luka called out from behind her.  
  
"Hey Luka"  
  
"We need to talk" Luka said taking her by the arm and leading her into the deserted lounge.  
  
"Luka what's wrong?" Abby proclaimed, a hint of concern in her voice. She took his hand, only to be pushed away.  
  
"What's going on between you and Carter?" Luka demanded.  
  
"What do you mean between me and Carter?"  
  
"Do you need me to spell it out for you?"  
  
Abby looked away, confused. But then it dawned on her.  
  
"Luka, there's nothing going on between me and Carter"  
  
"That's not what I've heard" Luka gazed hard into Abby's eyes.  
  
"Heard from where?"  
  
"Everyone knows, Abby"  
  
"We're just friends, that's all"  
  
Luka looked away in disgrace, how could Abby do this to him? After all he has been through.  
  
"How could you do this Abby?" There was a pause, and then Luka turned and headed for the door.  
  
"Luka" Abby called after him.  
  
He turned to face her, "It's over Abby"  
  
"Luka" She called once again, but the door slammed closed. She crashed down into the sofa, tears rushing to her eyes. How could the one person she love, believe rumours instead of the truth? The question soon became lost amongst the flooding emotion.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Randi?" Kerry called as she nearer the Admit desk, "Randi?"  
  
"Yeah? What can I do for you Dr. Weaver?"  
  
"Have you seen Abby?"  
  
"Try the lounge" Randi replied just as Carter appeared.  
  
"Carter, get Abby from the lounge, we've got a MVA coming in about 10 minutes. I want trauma one prepped."  
  
Carter turned and headed into the lounge. What he was confronted by was something that he wasn't prepared for.  
  
"Abby, we've got a MVA coming in about 10 minutes"  
  
There was silence. Abby just sat on the sofa, oblivious to Carter's entrance.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
She glanced toward him and then back in front of her, she stared into thin air. Carter manoeuvred himself around the room and sat down next to her. As soon as he did, Abby raised herself to her feet.  
  
"Abby? What's wrong?"  
  
"If only you knew," She said facing him. She wiped her eyes and left the room.  
  
The emergency doors opened, and the paramedics wheeled a gurney through into trauma one. Mark followed them through,  
  
"What have we got?" He asks,  
  
"MVA. A truck hit a car. The driver's pretty bad"  
  
"Malik get in here," Mark shouts, as Abby walks in, followed by Carter.  
  
"We need a CBC, Chem. 7, c- spine and x - ray, chest film and a head CT. Abby can you get a line in?" Mark commands, taking charge of the situation.  
  
"Sure" Abby utters. Kerry pulls out her stethoscope, and places it on the man's chest.  
  
"There's faint breath sounds on the left, but a good output on the right. Carter we need a chest drain now" Kerry states with her usual authoritative manner.  
  
"He needs tubing!" Mark exclaims and intubates.  
  
Abby attempts to put a line into the man's arm, but is unsuccessful.  
  
"Abby, we need that line now!" Mark puts pressure on Abby.  
  
"Shit! I hit an artery!" Abby proclaims.  
  
"Carter can you take over?" Kerry directs her glance towards Carter.  
  
"I can do it, I just went a little too deep"  
  
"Abby! Let Carter take over!" Kerry shouts at Abby.  
  
"I've got it!"  
  
"Abby!" Kerry shouts again.  
  
There is a brief pause, all eyes on Abby. She steps back surrendering.  
  
"Fine!" Abby exclaims and storms out of the trauma room.  
  
  
  
Kerry walks out of trauma, away from the flat line tone coming from the heart monitor within.  
  
"Hey, Randi, have you seen Abby?"  
  
"What? .Oh yeah she's in the lounge" Once again she is distracted from her surroundings.  
  
Kerry heads for the lounge. She opens the door to find Abby sat on the couch. Abby looks toward her, "how's the MVA guy?"  
  
Kerry walks a bit closer, "He didn't make it, he lost too much blood"  
  
Abby looks away. This day is just getting better and better, she thinks to herself.  
  
"I'm sorry to have to do this to you Abby, but I'm going to have to suspend you"  
  
"What?" Abby turns to face Kerry.  
  
"Your actions could have been the difference between life and death"  
  
"Could have been" Abby makes a point of Kerry's words.  
  
"There will be a full investigation Abby, but in the mean time, I have to follow protocol and suspend you"  
  
"I'll finish my shift, then clear my stuff out," Abby starts to get up.  
  
Kerry hesitates for a moment, then looks up to Abby, "it's effective of immediately"  
  
"Fine" Abby heads toward Kerry and hands over her ID.  
  
"Abby, I am sorry" Kerry attempts to heal the rift, but knows she's right, knows that she had no choice. Abby just sits in silence. Kerry leaves the room.  
  
  
  
Carter strolls in like nothing has happened, like the moment a few hours before was non-existent. At first he didn't notice Abby, and then suddenly it came to his senses that someone else was in the room and he peered around. He looked toward the sofa, and there was Abby.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"What" She replied harshly, not for one moment thinking about how he was feeling.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"So everyone but you knows" Abby says, thinking about Luka's words.  
  
"Knows what?"  
  
"Everyone round here thinks that there is something going on between me and you, and even Luka believes it," Abby replies, without taking a breath, "and after last week, it's no wonder where they got it from"  
  
"Abby, I never meant to split you and Luka up, I just wanted you to know how I felt"  
  
"Then why did you tell me in the first place?" She stared at him. All he could see were the deep black holes of her eyes, dazed and emotionless. He got up and left the room.  
  
Abby packed her things into her bag and headed out to the Admit desk. Standing at one end was Luka at the other Carter and there, in the middle Kerry.  
  
"Abby, your not supposed to be here, get out of here before I have to fire you" Kerry called out, her voice cold and heartless.  
  
Abby stood there, in the middle of it all. In front of her were her boyfriend, her caring friends and her job. Behind her was the exit, behind her was her destiny. The chaos of chairs slowly pierced into her thoughts and she turned and walked out into the chilly winters day.  
  
  
  
  
  
A few hours later, Abby roams the streets. She peers down at her watch, it displays 4:21pm. The minute hand slowly ticks by. She wonders through a park, still dressed in her yucky pink scrubs. Just minutes before, her past demons haunted her, and she found herself in a liquor store. Against everything that her emotions were telling her, she brought a large bottle of Vodka. She strolled along the path, everything inside her in conflict. On top of the falling snow, the sun beats down; its rays not hot enough to melt the snow. She gazed to the right and watched as a mother played with her daughter in the snow. It was a scene Abby had never experienced. Her mother was always out, either chatting up weird men or getting herself so drunk that she would collapse on the sofa and Abby wouldn't know whether she was dead or alive. And then to the left was a couple, having a snowball fight, having fun. In front of her was a bunch of friends, them too playing around in the snow. And then there was Abby. A lonely soul, wondering along a sad and dangerous path. She found herself a secluded place amongst the trees, where hopefully no one would see her, or at least no one that she knew. She pulled the brown paper bag from her rucksack, and held the bottle in her hand. She stares at it endlessly. This clear, simple liquid has the power to change someone's whole life, and that was usually for the worse. But then again her life had already changed for the worse. She had already been through the torment that alcohol forces upon its victim. She had been through bad times before and had managed to steer clear of the bottle, but this time it's different, this time she doesn't have the energy, this time there's nothing worth fighting for  
  
  
  
Hoped you liked part 1, Reviews are very welcomed!!! Part 2 coming soon!! 


	2. Living in loneliness

1 CHAPTER TWO  
  
LIVING IN LONELINESS  
  
The sunlight catches the liquid in the bottle, making it sparkle. She knew that if she drank now then there would be no turning back. But then again there was nothing worth turning back to. In this one day, she had lost her job, her caring friends and her boyfriend. In this one day she lost her happy life, and was once again thrown back into her past, back into the dark void. In her confusion she could find only one answer to her problems, and found herself unscrewing the top on the bottle. This was it. The point of no return. She gulped half the bottle down at once, the cool alcohol tingling the back of her throat. It was a taste a feeling she hadn't felt for 5 years.  
  
  
  
The cold chill sent shivers down Abby's spine. As the night began to draw in, she stood up and tried to steady herself. The park was deserted. She found the path and began to head out onto the streets. The bright car headlights blinded her, as she found the main road.  
  
  
  
"You alright Lady?"  
  
Abby heard the voice, but was still in a daze. The words just echoed around in her mind. She was unaware that she had tripped on the sidewalk, she just found herself on the floor.  
  
"Hey Lady?" The voice called again.  
  
But this time it pierced it's way into Abby's surreal world, and then forced her back into reality. She looked around, and only then did she realise the glaring eyes staring at her.  
  
"I'm fine" She replied fiercely. She started to stand, but easily lost her balance. The man rushed to her side, but was greeted by Abby's harsh mood.  
  
"Get off me!" She exclaimed. The man let go of his grip. Abby steadied herself and took off down the street, away from the burning stares, and hopefully into her own world.  
  
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"Luka" Carter called out as Luka entered the lounge. Luka moved to his locker, not even acknowledging Carter.  
  
"Look, Luka there's nothing going between me and Abby, they're just rumours"  
  
Luka just stood there in silence.  
  
"Luka?"  
  
"Did she tell you to say that? Because it wouldn't surprise me"  
  
"No she didn't. She didn't tell me to do anything. I'm just trying to get you to realise how much she loves you. If you loved her half as much as she loves you, then you would have listened to her, believed her instead of the rumours."  
  
Luka said nothing.  
  
"Luka, if there was something going on between me and Abby, then why isn't she here with me now you two have split?" Carter sees that he isn't getting through and leaves, but what he doesn't know is that his words have hit Luka hard.  
  
  
  
Luka sits down on the sofa. He is deep in thought, deep in thought about what Carter said to him. Carter was right. He was wrong to believe in the rumours and not in Abby. It was just that he was angry at time, didn't know what to believe. He just wanted to get back at her. He sat there in silence, thinking about what to do next.  
  
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Abby wandered the streets; once again back in her surreal reality, away from her problems, well that's what she thought anyway. She headed toward her apartment; finally she had made it home. She was equipped with another bottle of vodka. Her legs began to ache, began to go numb. She knew why. It wasn't just because she had been walking all day; it was because of the alcohol in her system. She wandered into the kitchen and placed the bottle on the worktop. The dark shadows created by the streetlights shining through the window engulfed her apartment. The surrounding objects were silhouetted against the dim light. The shadows appeared to creep closer and closer towards her. The world was closing in on her, and there was nothing she could do about it. She finally collapsed to the floor, succumbing to the darkness. She slipped into the world of unconsciousness, a place she thought she would stay forever, a place she thought she was safe, away from the problems of her life...  
  
But little did she know about the nightmares to come.......  
  
  
  
Luka drives along the slippery, icy roads. Houses are lit up with fairy lights, Christmas trees visible in the windows. All he can think about is Abby. Was she telling the truth? Or was she just covering it up to save herself from the hospital gossip? Luka didn't know. He didn't know what to believe. Should he at least try and talk to her? Or should he just leave her, believe the rumours and get on with the rest of his life? Questions he was too confused to answer. For once he had felt true love again. Only for it to end in this way. Should he just give up on love? He glanced down at his watch, the digital numbers clearly displaying 10:34pm. He had finally made up his mind. He stopped and turned the car around, driving back down the road from where he had just come. He had decided to go to Abby's. He had decided to believe her and not the rumours, but was it too late?  
  
  
  
The snow was falling heavily once again. A dark coloured car pulled up outside an apartment building. Luka got out and headed into the building. Taking the stairs with 3 steps at a time. Then he came to her door. There in front of him was his destiny. Does he knock or walk away? In the conflict of his emotions, he knocked loudly on the door, but only to emptiness. There was no reply. He knocked again, a little harder, a little more eager. Still there was no reply. He took a step back from the door, concluding that she must be out. But at this late hour? He thought to himself. But then there was nothing he could do. He turned and headed out into the night.  
  
  
  
I can't hold on,  
  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin,  
  
It's all too much to take in,  
  
I can't hold on,  
  
To anything watching everything spin,  
  
With thoughts of failure sinking in.  
  
  
  
The sun belted through the open window. Abby came to, to find herself lying on the kitchen floor. A thumping pain shooting through her head. Her first thought wasn't for the painkillers, but for the bottle on the worktop. As she took it in her hands, a million thoughts rushed through her head. Her heart was telling her not to drink, but then the heartache was telling her to take a sip. Without a second thought she took a swig. Her emotions were still raging inside her. Big questions playing on her mind. Is there anything worth living for? Do I really want to live anymore? She had once again been thrust back into loneliness. She had lost everything. Her job, friends and the one she loved. She had moved to Chicago to put all the bad memories behind her, she got a new apartment to start over in and got a new job. But now her apartment had become the dark, bottomless hole of her life. It was cold with emptiness. She couldn't face being on her own. Not again. The only company she had was the TV, the only thing that would talk to her without passing judgement. There was only one simple answer that question. There was only one way out. The drink hadn't worked. It simply lasted for a few hours, then she would wake and her problems, her life, would still be there. She downed the rest of the bottle, and moved over to one of the drawers. She took a knife, its shiny blade gleaming in the light, and headed into the bathroom. There was only one way out.  
  
  
  
Do I sit here and try to stand it?  
  
Or do I try and catch them red-handed?  
  
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,  
  
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?  
  
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Luka walked through the corridors of the hospital, on his way to his next patient. All day the only thing he could think about was Abby. And then there was Carter, and what he had said. He didn't want to be in that hospital, all he wanted was to be with Abby. Or to at least try and patch things up between them. But from his unanswered knocks, all he could think was that it was too late, that she didn't want  
  
him.  
  
Carter was in pretty much the same state as Luka. All he could think about was Abby. He had made the biggest mistake. The mistake of telling her how much he loved her. And now it looks like he had just ruined her life. He headed into the lounge and picked up the phone. He struggled as he dialled her number: Was this the right thing to do? He just had to ring her, just had to make sure that she was ok. The ringing went on for ages. There was no answer. He put the phone down and sat on the sofa.  
  
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The day passed by slowly, the hand on the clock at the admit desk, ticked slowly by. Luka walked up to the desk, getting ready to leave. He had decided to call into Abby's again, but thought it best to ring first. He picked up the phone and dialled her number, but got the same reception as Carter: No answer. He hung up, concern growing inside him.  
  
  
  
Luka pulled up outside Abby's apartment building again. He took the stairs three steps at a time. Again he found himself outside her door. He knocked, but it was to no avail. A man began to approach Luka from down the hall.  
  
"Hey Mr. The Lady hasn't been around for the past couple days. You see her, tell her I want a word"  
  
Luka peered towards the man. Confused.  
  
"I'm the landlord. She's late paying her rent"  
  
"When was the last time you saw her?" Luka questioned.  
  
"A day or two ago"  
  
"You have the keys to her apartment?"  
  
The landlord reached down into his pocket and revealed a number of keys attached to a loop. He moved over to the door, and twisted the key in the lock, the door flung open. Luka walked into her apartment, instantly noticing the empty vodka bottle lying on the worktop. He walked into the kitchen and peered down at the open drawer. Adrenaline flooded his body, as fear mounted inside him. "Abby?" He called out. He walked into her bedroom, but there was no sign of her. He turned round, noticing the bathroom door closed.  
  
"Abby?" He called again as he twisted the handle. It was locked from the other side. "Abby!" His voice growing desperate. He kicked the door in, and was met by his worst nightmare. There in front of him, lying on the floor was Abby. Blood pooling around her. The stench of alcohol was all too evident. The knife was laying amongst the blood, the shiny blade no more. Luka rushed to her side, desperately searching for a pulse. Her face was pale, her lips were blue. Was it too late? Was she already dead?  
  
  
  
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Keep those reviews comin, they can be positive or negative I don't mind, all the feedback I get helps!  
  
Chapter 3 up soon. 


	3. If I could turn back time

1 CHAPTER THREE  
  
1.1.1 If I could turn back time  
  
The ambulance pulled up outside county. The full horror of the patient within, unknown. Stood in the snow, in trauma gowns, Mark and Kerry wait. The doors fly open, and the gurney hoisted to the ground. Mark and Kerry stood in disbelief, stood in shock.  
  
"Luka? What happened?" Kerry called as he exited the ambulance and rushed into trauma one.  
  
"I don't know...I just found her"  
  
"She's lost about 3 units of blood, arrested once in the field. We had to intubate on route" The paramedic relayed the information to the doctors. "G.C.S is 6, pulse is weak"  
  
"Chunni? Get as much O-neg down here as possible, Luka we need X-ray down here stat. Malik we need a tox screen, chem.7 and blood works" Mark orders.  
  
"What are her vitals?" Kerry demands.  
  
"B.P is 90 over 50. Pulseox is 82"  
  
The situation grows tense, the atmosphere desperate as the Doctors try to save another life, but this time it's one of there own.  
  
"We got 5 units of O-neg going in on the rapid infuser" Chunni calls out as she returns.  
  
"Lydia, get a central line in."  
  
"Breath sounds are improving" Kerry shouts. Just as she calls out the constant beat of the heart monitor turns to a prolonged droning.  
  
"She's in V-fib" Chunni exclaims.  
  
"Get an amp of epi, lidocain and nitro-glycerine! Luka start CPR"  
  
There is still no improvement. The frantic concern shows on everyone, as they watch their friend slowly deteriorate.  
  
"Sats are down to 85!"  
  
Kerry grabs the crash cart and starts the peddles, "Charge to 100"  
  
The heart monitor remains with a droning flat line.  
  
"Still in V-fib"  
  
"Charge to 200. Clear!"  
  
Everyone steps back as Kerry shocks the lifeless body in front of her. Abby's lips are still blue, her face still pale, and her blood everywhere. Carter, having heard the news, charges into trauma one. He stands there, just staring as the chaos goes on around him.  
  
"How long has she been down?" He calls out to anyone who would hear.  
  
Mark looks up at the clock, "35 minutes"  
  
"Charge to 250." Kerry yells, "Come on Abby, I'm not gonna lose you"  
  
She places the paddles on Abby's chest, and shocks her. Her body convulses as the electric current passes through. The droning continues, there are no signs of life. Then, the droning turns to a regular beat.  
  
"Sinus. Tach" Lydia calls; the heart monitor begins to register a heartbeat. Just as she starts to improve, Elizabeth comes rushing in.  
  
"Oh my God, what happened?"  
  
There is silence until Luka speaks out, "suicide". Everyone falls silent, the full horror of the situation finally revealed, as it is something that no one wants to believe. No one had seen it coming, just like when Carol tried. But that situation was different. Carol survived. The silence remained until Kerry calls out, "We need to get her upstairs now, Chunni check her pressure and vitals"  
  
"Pressure is 90 stistolic, pulse is up to 92"  
  
Mark and Elizabeth wheel the gurney out through the ER and into the lift. They head up to the OR.  
  
Everyone still in trauma one is silent. Luka stands against the wall, and slides down until he meets the ground. He sits in silence. Carter stands in the centre of the room and gazes around. The trauma gowns and empty medical supply boxes litter the floor. The floor underneath stained with blood. Lydia and Chunni stand on the opposite side of the room, them too with their backs against the wall. The atmosphere now indescribable.  
  
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"This isn't looking good, Elizabeth" Romano calls out.  
  
"I know it doesn't Robert but I'm not willing to give up on your judgement,"  
  
Blood is still seeping from the wounds to Abby's wrists.  
  
"She's done a pretty good job at trying to end it all"  
  
Elizabeth looks up at Romano, how could someone be so insensitive? She thought to herself.  
  
"B.Ps falling" One of the OR nurses exclaims.  
  
"Lizzy we need to stop that bleeding now" Romano calls attempting to close the wounds. Elizabeth takes a surgical instrument from the table, and does the same.  
  
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2 If I could turn back time  
  
If I could find a way  
  
I'd take back those words that hurt you  
  
And you'd stay  
  
The world outside goes on, as the ER staff sit, huddled around a table in Doc Magoos. Kerry had some how manage to persuade Luka to go with the others, telling him that there was nothing he could do at the hospital. But then he thought to himself that he had already done enough. If he had believed Abby in the first place then none of this would have happened. But instead he chose to believe the rumours, and now his girlfriend was lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life.  
  
The ER staff had continued to gather around the tiny table in the corner, as each of their shifts came to an end. Opposite Luka sat Carter. All he could do was blame himself. If he hadn't told Abby his feelings then none of this would have happened. Everything would have been the way it was supposed to be. But it was too late now, the future had already been changed.  
  
The Coffee pot in the middle of the table was stone cold. No one had the nerve to disturb the emotional atmosphere. Each person was in a world of their own, only one thing on their minds. The door to the diner opened and two figures walked in. It was Elizabeth and Mark. They walked over to the table, where everyone was gathered. As their presence began to sink in, everyone glanced in their direction. The expressions on their face, neither good nor bad. Luka broke the silence, "How is she?"  
  
"She made it through surgery" A sign of relief spread across the faces around the table. "But she's in a deep coma, she might not make it through the night" The relief turned to distress. The sudden realisation hit each and every person around the table. The realisation that they might lose one of their friends. It hit Luka the most. He felt his stomach churn and his heart sink to the bottom of the void within him, at the thought of losing Abby. If only he could turn back time.  
  
Words are like weapons  
  
They wound you sometimes.  
  
2.1 I didn't mean to hurt you  
  
I didn't want you to go  
  
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The constant beat of the heart monitor was a tune that was all too familiar. Sometimes the rhythm would remain, others it would turn to prolonged humming. Luka walked into the ICU, just like he had many times before. He looked at the body in front of him, lost amongst the tubes and machines. He had seen this scene time and time again, but he had some how shielded himself from the emotional torment that the families of his patients had gone through. But this time it wasn't a patient he was staring at, it was someone he loved, it was someone he couldn't shut out. He sat down beside her and took her hand in his. The wounds on her wrists were concealed by a dressing, but the pain in which they were received, was all too evident as blood seeped through. Luka sat, searching for the right words, he knew that he had to talk to her, but what could he say? He stared at her face, the life that was once behind it, now hanging on the smallest of threads.  
  
"I'm sorry" he whispered calmly "I'm sorry for everything. I should have listened to you" Those words sliced through him like a knife cutting cake. "Abby," tears began to roll down Luka's cheeks "Abby, please don't leave me, please" His voice trailed of, as the emotion became too much to bear, and he broke down, his head coming to rest on her chest. His fear had finally consumed him.  
  
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Well that's part 3 guys, hope you all liked it. Keep those reviews coming. Part 4 coming soon 


	4. Knocking on Heaven's door

1 CHAPTER FOUR  
  
1.1 Knocking on Heaven's Door  
  
Carter peered through the window of the ICU. He too was torn inside. If he had kept his mouth shut then this wouldn't have happened. But how do you shield feelings of love without it eating you up inside? He stared at Luka, who was still sitting by Abby's side. She was right, if he really didn't want to split her and Luka up, then he wouldn't have told her. If he loved her that much, he wouldn't have told her. He sank into the chair next to the door. Staring at the wall ahead, all he could think about was the mistake that he had  
  
made.  
  
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Time seemed non-existent. Abby's condition neither improved nor took a turn for the worse. It didn't change. And in some way Luka liked it that way. At least the constant beat still echoed. In his mind all he could think about was whether she was going to die or not. He tried to put the thought at the back of his mind but it seemed to creep forward and dominate his mind. Inside he was angry with himself. He was angry at what he had done. He was the one who had driven her to the edge; he was the one who had pushed her over the edge. He regretted what he said, what he had done as soon as he walked out of the room. But he didn't have the courage to say sorry, and all because he thought there was something going on between her and Carter, he didn't even wait for her side of the story, just jumped to conclusions. And now he may never get to say sorry.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I think I'll go to Heaven  
  
I heard it's peaceful there  
  
They don't allow your troubles  
  
Everyone's had their share  
  
And if I can be someone who  
  
never needs a disguise  
  
Then maybe I'll go to Heaven  
  
Heaven is in your eyes  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The bright light in front of me is overwhelming. I take several steps back, and only then does it all become clear. I look to the left and see my painful childhood. Then I look to the right and see my years of adolescence, the years I thought I would never escape. Then behind me I see the years that I was an alcoholic, and the battle to beat it. But then in front of me I see the present. I see my apartment, I see me, me lying on the kitchen floor, with a bottle in my hand. Everything suddenly goes black, and I awake to find myself in the bathroom, staring at a figure on the floor. I can't seem to escape the crimson red substance flooding the floor. I head for the door, but it is jammed. I take a closer look at the figure and realise that it is me. That it is my blood that is engulfing the room. I peer down to my wrists and am startled to see blood seeping from them. I can't escape. The blood overwhelms the surroundings and everything disappears.  
  
I awake to the bright light that first blinded me. But this time I seem invincible towards it. I stare at it curiously and wonder for the first time where I am. I remember being in the bathroom, seeing me lying on the floor. But was any of that real? I glance around, away from the light, but all I see is nothingness. I walk towards the light, like it was a vacuum sucking me in. I enter. Not knowing what's on the other side.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I think I'll go to heaven  
  
I'll sail on into the night  
  
I'll watch as I set my soul free  
  
Watch as my heart takes flight  
  
Maybe I am too simple  
  
Maybe I am too wise  
  
And maybe I'll go to Heaven  
  
Heaven is in your eyes  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Luka feels the presence of someone else in the room. He turns to find Kerry approaching him.  
  
"You should go home," She says, placing a hand on his shoulder.  
  
Luka doesn't reply. Just thinks about how she can ask him to leave his girlfriend who's knocking on deaths door.  
  
"She wouldn't want you to lose control of yourself Luka, you should go home, have a shower, get something to eat"  
  
"She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me"  
  
"You can't blame yourself for this Luka" Kerry tries to reassure him.  
  
Luka pays no attention to her; he just sits, clutching Abby's hand.  
  
"If only I had listened to her," He whispers.  
  
"You should get some rest"  
  
Her persistence is in a way comforting to Luka, but in another it is annoying. He knows that she isn't going to give up.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Luka unlocks the door to Abby's apartment. He couldn't face going to his hotel room and being alone. At least here there were things that reminded him of her. He walked into the bathroom, and there he truly felt her presence. He sunk to the floor, thoughts toying with his mind. What if she was really in this room? If she stayed and just her body went to the hospital? He gave up on those thoughts because they could only mean one thing and that was that she was really dead. He looked over to the place where he found her. The floor still had the outline of a pool of blood, and the stench of alcohol still lingered in the air. They may be the signs of a tragedy, but Luka didn't have the heart to leave, this was the place that he felt closest to her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I step out from the light and find myself once again in my apartment. I am staring down from above, staring at myself. I watch as I wake and take a gulp from a bottle. Then I see myself take a knife from the drawer and head into the bathroom. As the sound of the door closing and the lock turning echoes around everything floods back to me. I remember. I remember everything.  
  
I feel something on my shoulder and turn to see something I truly cannot believe. There stood in front of me is Lucy Knight.  
  
"I know what your thinking"  
  
"What..?" It's the only word that my brain allows me to force out.  
  
"You want to know where you are and how I am here"  
  
All I can do is stare at her. Someone I saw myself die is now stood in front of me, talking to me, "Where am I?"  
  
"Your in your own mind. Out there you are close to death," She says pointing toward the light. "In here you are not more than half alive"  
  
I try to understand what she is on about, taking in everything that she saying.  
  
"This is where you choose between life and death. You go out there you live, you go in there you die"  
  
I look to where she is pointing and see a calm, beautiful blue ocean. This is where I set out to come. But I turn back to the light and see what I am told is the entrance back to life. I have been given a second chance. I head toward the light, my mind made up to go back.  
  
"Are you sure that's where you want to be" I hear a voice call out after me. "Are you sure you want to go back to what you have tried so hard to escape?"  
  
Suddenly the light disappears and I am thrown into loneliness. The only thing that is around me is the ocean. I am slowly being pushed back by a dark force, by loneliness. I turn and look into the ocean. I bend down and put my hand into the water. It is warm, and soft to touch. I peer out at the horizon; the ocean doesn't seem to end.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Wasn't supposed to be this way  
  
Got too much of my own say  
  
Never thought that I'd be standing at the gates of heaven  
  
Knocking on heavens door.  
  
Well that's chapter 4 guys, hoped u liked it, sorry it's been ages since I posted the last chapter , been kinda busy. Feedback always wanted!!!!!!!! So keep those reviews rolling on in!!!!.  
  
Chapter 5 will be up soon (a lot sooner than this one!)  
  
Rainbow345uk 


	5. One Step Closer

1 CHAPTER FIVE  
  
1.1 One Step Closer  
  
  
  
Luka had finally made it back to the hospital. He got little sleep at Abby's apartment; he sat on the bathroom floor for most of the time. He arrived back looking no different from when he had left. He walked into the ICU just as the monitor displayed no heartbeat, and a humming tone rang out. He rushed over to her, only to be pulled back by Carter, who had been with Abby while he was out of the way, to save them from clashing. Kerry and Mark rush over to Abby.  
  
"Abby!" Luka calls out in desperation, "Abby, Don't leave me!"  
  
Carter manages to get him out of the ICU. He slides down the wall, meeting the cold, hard ground. He puts his head in his hands and begins to weep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And I won't say goodbye,  
  
Because I was never here,  
  
I won't say hello,  
  
Because it wouldn't be true  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Just as I am about to enter the ocean, I hear my name being called. The voice sounds so familiar, yet so far away. I begin to retreat from the ocean, and look around, but see no one there. I hear my name once more, this time it is said more frantically. It's as if someone is trying to call me back, away from the ocean, but there's no way I can go back to living now. What is there for me back there? I can't go back to Luka, not now. I can't go back to the loneliness, not again. It's a life not worth living. I hear my name again, echoing around the emptiness of this dark place.  
  
"Are you sure that's the way you want to go?" It is Lucy again.  
  
"You pointed me away from life and towards death, so why are you pointing me back to life?" I ask, confused at the further appearance of my dead college.  
  
"I can't point you anywhere. I am here to help you decide, but I cannot make the decision for you"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Charging to 100" Kerry calls, as Mark performs CPR in desperation.  
  
Kerry places the paddles on Abby's chest and her body convulses in reaction to the electric current.  
  
"Still in V-fib" Mark exclaims  
  
"Charging to 250"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Not many people get a second chance"  
  
I still stand there confused, an impossible decision lying ahead. I peer out into the ocean, it looks so amazing, and then I peer toward the light, it's slowly fading, slowly disappearing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me,  
  
Distracting/reacting  
  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
  
It's haunting how I can't seem to find my self again  
  
My walls are closing in  
  
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced  
  
That there's just too much pressure to take  
  
I've felt this way before  
  
So insecure.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"Clear"  
  
Kerry shocks Abby's body once more, "Come on Abby, don't do this"  
  
The flat line tone still screams from the heart monitor.  
  
Mark continues CPR.  
  
"1,2,3,4,5...1,2,3,4,5." His anxious whispers can be heard above the shrieking tone.  
  
But still there is no improvement.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I pull my hand from the ocean and stand in the centre of nothingness. The only things that I see are the ocean and the bright light. A hundred thoughts rushed through my head at once and I can't decide which way to go. My heart is telling me to go back, but my mind is telling me to leave, leave all the pain behind.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kerry and Mark take a step back. The flat line tone continues. They glance at each other. Carter bursts through the doors.  
  
He stands and stares at the lifeless body in front of them all. His heart telling him to make them carry on, but deep down he knows that it is too late.  
  
"How long?" He asks, his voice in a depressed tone.  
  
Kerry peers up at the clock, "15 minutes"  
  
Tears begin to weld in his eyes; he knows that this is the end. . .  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well that's chapter 5 guys, let me know what u thought. . .please. .!  
  
The 6th and final chapter will be here very soon, just hold on a little longer!!!!  
  
Rainbow345uk 


	6. Thank you for loving me

1 CHAPTER SIX  
  
2 Thank you for loving me  
  
I have been given a second chance, I can't just walk out on that. I turn and head toward the light. I walk through and back into my life. Only when I wake will I know if I made the wrong decision. Going back and regretting it is better than dying. The light disappears and I am back into darkness, but one that I know I will wake from, one I hope I will wake from.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Just as Kerry goes to turn the monitor and the Ventilator off, it starts to beep. She quickly moves over to Abby, searching for a pulse.  
  
"Sinus. Tach" She calls, everyone standing in disbelief. They were sure that she was dead; that there was nothing they could do for her anymore. Yet there she was in front of them, breathing. A rush of relief shot through all of them.  
  
Luka entered the ICU, not knowing what to make of trio stood around what he was sure was a dead body. He glanced at the monitor, and then moved over to Abby. He took her hand and quietly whispered "Thank you".  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He sat there day and night for the next few days. He knew that she was going to wake, and he wanted to be there when she did. He laid his head on top of her hand and had managed to fall asleep. But at least this time he fell into a peaceful sleep, fell into peaceful dreams.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
You pick me up when I fall down  
  
You ring the bell before they count me out  
  
If I was drowning you would part the sea  
  
And risk your own life to rescue me  
  
Thank you for loving me  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
My eyelids felt like they were attached to a hundred ton weight. I struggled to open them, but my willpower somehow forced them to. The light blinded me at first, but I gradually got used to it. As I did things became clearer, I could see my surroundings. I could feel the tube that was down my throat, and my first thought was to get it out. I try to move my right hand, but it is being held down by something. I peer down towards it and I see Luka hanging. Shivers of relief run through me, and I close my eyes, trying not to let the tears fall. All I can think about is him, and what I have put him through. As he stirs by the side of me, I lift my left hand to the tube, desperately trying to remove it.  
  
Luka feels the hand beneath him move, and it wakes him. He glances up to Abby's face and sees her trying to remove the intubation tube.  
  
"Elizabeth" He calls out. Elizabeth jogs over.  
  
"Ok, hold on Abby" She reassures Abby as she replaces her hand with her own, "Take a long, deep breath" She instructs, slowly removing the tubing.  
  
I feel the tube as it is slowly drawn from my mouth. I breathe in with all the energy I have, and eventually I take a breath on my own accord. Finally I am back, back to what I so nearly walked out on. I am in my life, and only the future knows if I have made a mistake.  
  
I look up to Luka and gaze longingly into his eyes, after all I have put him through he is still here.  
  
"I'm sorry" I can't get my voice above a whisper and he leans in closely. I am unable to keep the tears from falling this time.  
  
"I'm sorry too" He whispers back and with that I know that I made the right choice, made the right choice to come back. He gently moves his hand to my forehead and removes a strand of hair to the side. He bends over and kisses me softly. And with his calm and kind Croatian accent whispers "I love you". I couldn't have wished for anything more. I have been given second chance.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Thank you for loving me  
  
For being my eyes when I couldn't see  
  
For parting my lips  
  
When I couldn't breathe  
  
Thank you for loving me  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well guys that's it, it's finally finished!! Thanks for reading and hope u enjoyed it!! Thanx for all the reviews!!  
  
Rainbow345uk 


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